Your Kids Whine Because It Works, and It's Your Fault

You’re probably wondering why your kids are so whiny. They whine all the time! You tell them to stop, but they don’t. It’s almost enough to make you whine to your friends about how much your kids whine. But don’t. They’re well aware how much your kids whine.

The problem with whining is that it yields absolutely great results for your children. Usually because they regularly get all the stuff and attention they were whining for. Seriously. Because if it didn’t work, they’d stop doing it.

So, yeah. Sorry. You’re the problem. But don’t worry. We’re here to help.

How to Stop the Whining - A Quick Summary

Ages: 3-8
Time: 1-2 Weeks
Difficulty: Moderate

If you want the whining to stop, all you have to do is:

Stop listening to the whining. Really. Just pretend you don’t hear it. Instead, calmly and cheerfully provide them with the words and tone you want them to say and use. Practice these new words with them and have them mimic the tone of your Big Kid voice (feel free to use ‘Big Kid voice’ or ‘non-whiny voice’ or whatever you want to call it. Just be consistent).

But just remember: they need you to teach them how to ask.

I know it’s crazy, but people aren’t born with the ability to navigate and understand their complex emotions. It’s why people therapy-shop at IKEA. Let’s teach our children to be better than that.

So focus on ignoring their whiny requests and only respond with a model of how you’d like them to talk. And do it calmly and cheerfully.

Quick Tip: You don’t have to raise your voice and talk falsetto in order to praise kids. I’m not sure why everybody does that, but I think once you stop, it’s easier to not feel stupid acknowledging the behavior you want to see more of in your children.

Then, when your child does ask using their Big Kid voice, give them lots of praise and reward them with your attention and hopefully whatever they asked for. You’ll smother the whining out, and you’ll get more of that good behavior. But you must be consistent and only acknowledge their positive, non-whiny voices.

Sounds easy, right? Well, the concept is easy, but read on for the key details that make it work.

Why Do Kids Whine Anyway?

→ It Must have been Tuesday, he was whining about his cornflakes

A lot of research has gone into the world of whining, so there’s really not a lot of guesswork here (1, 2, 3).

Sift around on Google and in psychology, education, and parenting books and you’ll find two mild variations of why kids whine:

Wanting Stuff: toys, candy, your iPhone
Attention/ Connection/ Communication: Children don’t always have the words to express their needs or aren’t always mature enough to even know how they’re feeling. If they feel tired, hungry, lonely, sad, or sunburnt—whining is a reliable go-to.

Parents often ask us how to very quickly rid their child of whining—like in a day—as it might be as swift and pleasant as making a bar of soap. It’s not.

In fact if you’ve got a real whiny kid on your hands (like that kid, Jack, from next door), expect it to get worse before it gets better. How much worse depends on the kid. But even if your kid is a real turd already, just commit to the solution. It works. But maybe get ready for the ride.

Step 1: Prepare Yourself

There are three simple rules to remember:

Do NOT give in to whining. Ever.
Pay attention and be ready to acknowledge or praise them when they ask correctly.
Stay positive and don’t freak out when they freak out. (Most important).

Step 2: Get your child involved

At a time when your child is cheerful and receptive, tell him or her that from now on, you will no longer respond to whining. Ever. At all. But you will instead always respond to their Big Kid voice.
Then, help her use Big Kid words with a Big Kid voice. Model what you’d like, and have her repeat it. Remember, you’re here to help. Y’all are a team! Or maybe a support group. (Notice: You delivered this news in an all-sorts-of positive manner and made it seem fun. With all that positive attention, she didn’t even notice you were cutting off her whining lifeline.)
Provide the specific Big Kid sentence frames you want her to use.

“Now Marla, if you want something, I will be ready to listen to you when you ask me with your Big Kid voice. If you want a cookie, say, ‘May I please have a cookie?’”

Then encourage them, “Now, you try…”

Let your kid try in a Big Kid voice. For extra oomph, actually give her a cookie!

“And when you need my attention, or you need me to listen to you, say ‘Excuse me, may I please have your attention?’ Now let’s practice that.”

Pretend to be on your phone or something. When your kid practices and says it right, immediately stop what you’re doing and really look and listen like she’s your boss.

This is important because your child must believe that these sentence frames work. Because if using these sentence frames returns more stuff and more positive attention, more easily, than when your child whines, they’ll start using their Big Kid voice more often and will whine less. This is the pivotal step. It all comes down to this.

Step 3: Bask in the warm, soft glow of it not working at all

You’ve done a great job. Congrats. And after introducing and practicing these astonishingly easy sentence frames, expect your kid to absolutely forget them all and whine upon their first opportunity.

Here’s where patience and follow-through kick in. When the inevitable happens you must IGNORE just like you said you’d do. You have to really believe ignoring is the only way. Stay cheerful and on your kid’s side. Learning new skills hurts, which is why you’ll never see me in a knitting class or karate dojo. Be empathetic.

You: “I see you’re upset. I will hear you when you say, ‘May I please have a cookie’ in a Big Kid voice.”

(Notice: you validated your child’s feelings, ignored the whining, reintroduced the sentence frame, and stayed positive.)

Your kid will now be on red alert: the normally effective whining is not working so expect a double-down freak-out mega-tantrum.

But you won’t take the bait because you’re all sorts of Zen and relaxed. You’re as calm as a Hindu cow.

You: “I’m sorry to see you so upset. When you’re ready to ask ‘may I please have a cookie’ in a Big Kid voice, I am ready to listen.”

(Notice: Again you ignored the whining ONLY to provide the appropriate replacement behavior. And you repeated yourself. This reinforces your response and begins to set up a new pattern. When you say these words, they don’t get what they want without using the Big Kid voice. This will become their kryptonite.)

Keep this up. Stay positive. And don’t forget to smile; good parenting is ugly.

Pro tip:

At the beginning of training, make sure the not-whining payoff percentage is very high! Meaning, pay attention to the behavior you want more of, and be willing to give them what they ask for way more than normal to ensure they keep doing it. Yes, maybe give them extra time on the iPad or another cookie if that’s what they ask for. You can’t fight every battle simultaneously. Not that you need it, but you have our permission to be more flexible giving out candy and screentime while you’re working to get your child to change their behavior.

Your kid will soon begin to associate the sentence frames and the non-whiny tone with that grand reward. Eventually you won’t need to give them a cookie every time they ask nicely, but by the time their success rate ultimately and naturally reduces from 80% to 25% the desired not-whiny behavior will have become normalized.

Recap: Remember These Sentence Frames

Use these sentence frames. Change them slightly to suit your style and regular vocabulary, but keep it simple. You are trying to communicate, not confuse. Stick to only a couple very simple frames to get started. And reward your kids with lots of praise when they use them. Get all caregivers (mom, dad, grandma) on board with the same sentence frames.

Their Language:

“May I please have _________?”

“Excuse me, may I please have your attention.”

(This does sound a bit formal. I use it and think it’s lovely, but feel free to substitute for what works for you.)

Your Language:

Remember: when your kid is whining IGNORE IT. Your only response is to offer the right way to get your attention.

“I will be ready to listen to you when you say (Sentence Frame) with a Big Kid voice.”

Don’t forget to praise them when they get it right.

“Thank you for asking so politely in a Big Kid voice.”
“I knew you could do it! Thank you!”
“You sound like such a Big Kid”
“Amazing! That’s how a 10-year-old would sound!”
“I’m so impressed you are learning so quickly!”

FAQs and other “What Happens When”-type help

When is Whining OK?

Before ignoring and running your child through sentence frames, do an energy and health check. Really watch and listen. Is your child exhausted, hungry, sick, too cold, too hot, dehydrated? Then this is not a time to teach new skills. It’s time for you to meet your child’s needs. That means getting them food, a warm bed, some kid-Advil, snow gloves, or whatever.

I tried the sentence frames and it just leads to crazy crying meltdowns. How do I deal with that?

Try this and be calm and empathetic-sounding when you say it: “I am sorry you are upset. I am ready to listen when you say (sentence frame here).” Repeat this on a cycle about once every one or two minutes. If they keep tantruming and whining and are in a safe place, just walk away. Tell your kid what you’re up to so as not to exacerbate the situation with a new stressor: “I’m going in another room because this screaming is too loud. I’ll be in there when you are ready to use a big kid voice.” Kids can keep up a fit for a long time, just wait it out. They will know that the tantrum did not work. This will result in shorter and shorter tantrums over time.

My son starts throwing things or trying to hit me when I ignore his whining!

Be empathetic but keep it real: “I am sad that you’re trying to hurt my body. I will need to hold on to you if you cannot control your body.” Then hold on to your kid until they can tell you that they are ready to “have a safe body.” This video is not HD, but definitely shows how I learned to safely restrain a child.

What happens if I have to give in? Some crazy situation means my kid gets what they want despite whining like crazy.

Consider whining a type of high-interest credit account. Every time you give in to whining, you’re making a purchase on that credit card. Yes, it can get you clear in a pinch, but some day you’re going to have to repay that credit, and your kid charges interest.* So, basically, do what you can to avoid giving in. If you have to, know that it’ll slow down the progress. It won’t kill it, but it could harm your chances of making this quick and easy. Especially if you give in when they’re being a total turd.

*presuming Project Mayhem didn’t work.